I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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