I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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