Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
