Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
