Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
