I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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