Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
