True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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