My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize