Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
