I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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