I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god