please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
