Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
