The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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