You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
