Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
