Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
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So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
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i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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