Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
