You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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