i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
