four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
