Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
