Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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