Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
