Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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