you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
