I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
