We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
