I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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