you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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