Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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