But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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