I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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