you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
