I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
