jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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