Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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