He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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