she was so not down for the gang bang
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
