My hand turned me down
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
