You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
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