You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
