Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
