...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
