Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
