It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
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