So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
