If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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