I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
