Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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