I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
