dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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