He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
