Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
