I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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