420 ftw
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
