I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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