I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
